About
I’m a 39 year old female, a Clinical Research Administrator, two great daughters and there is one area of my life that I can’t seem to get right. In hs I was skinny-skinny, dorky looking (plus it was the 80’s!), super-smart (very un-cool), 1 or 2 friends. Then, Junior year I met the love of my life. He used to not only tell me I was beautiful and smart and wonderful, but once in a while he’d say he rescued me from “geekdom” and I’d be nothing without him. Not nice to say, but true. He joined Navy, moved to Hawaii; we broke up after I graduated because I realized that other guys were actually interested i n me, regardless of what he had said. Then, I don’t know why, I started missing him terribly. I broke up with the guy I was dating, got in touch with him and two months later we were married. We hadn’t even seen each other for almost two years!! I found out that the engagement/wedding ring he gave me was one he had given (not as an engagement ring, don’t be silly; it was just a ring) someone else, she worked with him. I was miserable in Hawaii. Yes, I said miserable. He knew tons of people there, I knew no one. I was so self-conscious and shy. A marine used to call me “baby” as in, “Hey, here’s the baby!” because I was so young. S didn’t like that and “forbide” me to talk to him (of course, the one person who would talk to me there and didn’t share “inside jokes” with S). Ok. Left Hawaii and moved to Virginia. Shoulda stayed in Hawaii. He got involved in D&D and less involved in me. He went on a 6 month cruise, was great when came back. Next 6 month cruise was harder. I went home to MI when he left and then came back to VA to get a new apartment 2 months before he came back. The day before he came home I was very, very sick. I put on a pair of baby-doll pj’s he had gotten for me in Turkey. They were silky and huge so they felt good on me. I went to bed all day and sweated terribly. Forgot to set alarm because I was sick. Next morning I woke up feeling so much better, sheets were drenched and I was running behind to pick him up from the ship. I stripped the soaked sheets off the bed, threw them and my pj’s in the dirty clothes in the closet and did not put new sheets on the bed. Of course as soon as he comes in the bedroom he wants to know why the bed doesn’t have sheets on it. So I told him. Nope, I was lying, had to be; it had to be that I was having an affair and had sex last night and just didn’t get it cleaned up in time. Later that night I ran out to the grocery store before dinner and came back. Bedroom door was locked, I knocked and talked. Went back to finish dinner, back to door. Was unlocked this time, I walked in and he’s sitting on the floor with a gun. I don’t know what kind–the killing kind. Continued to accuse me of having an affair, over and over and over. He spun the chamber, said, “there’s one bullet in here. Is it for you or me.” I said, “you can have it,” shut the door and walked out of the apartment. I called his CO (he got pissed) and then was so pissed that he would accuse me of having an affair, that I went out and did. Got pregnant, he offered to stay togther, raise baby as his. I thought how mean and horrible that would be to do to him, so I said no–and haven’t stopped crying since. I married the affair, had another child, was treated like shit, divorced. Years later I met a man and was in a 9 year serious relationship (just ended by me in June). Problem is I still can’t stop thinking about S. We started talking recently–oh the things he says! He came to MI last weekend, we met up, he doesn’t know what to do–he has a life down south. All this sounds really stupid!! Arrgghh!!