But yet it does.

Nothing changes because I still screw up relationships and I’m still fat.

A lot changes because Dave is dead.

Back to the first one because I can’t handle the second one.

I am so so so so fucking sick and tired of screwing up. Why do I have this ideal of what I want in a relationship–respect. He makes my lunch, he cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he plays games with me, he has fun. He drinks, he’s mildly chauvenistic, he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with ignoring calls or texts, with swearing at me, with losing his temper. My fault. I’m too emotional, I care too much.

 I just want to be “normal.” I want to be like everyone else. Not like me.

Wow! It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here! So–changing the focus from “how my life sucks because I always screw up in relationships”, to “I’m fat.”

Write it out, it will help bring it to reality.  I am 5’10″.  16 years ago when I got pregnant I weighed 113.  Then 125, then 135.  I started getting depressed about my weight when it hit 145. I dieted, I walked, I rode a bike.  Nothing. Except more weight.  Once the MD and RA got worse, I stopped taking leisure walks because it hurt.  At 165 a doctor gave me Atipex–I lost 8 pounds.  STOP.  (If you are reading this I didn’t mean you, I meant me, my tears, just stop!). Ok.  I was really, really depressed when I had to buy a size 14 pair of jeans.  Those are tight on me.  I weigh, crapcrapcrap….191. Shit, I’ve never seen it written out before.  I swear I am not eating bad.  Back when I was skinny I used to eat literaly whatever and whenever I wanted.  I don’t eat hardly any fast food anymore. I don’t eat a lot of red meat, I eat no fish or seafood (which I know is healthy but I hate).  I have to write all this out, even though I know it all; otherwise it won’t be real. I am fat.

I have no willpower against eating. Two days ago I only had about 1000-1100 calories.  Yesterday I had less than that.  I know, exercise is important. I know also how much it hurts and how honest-to-God I have no time.

The other day, a teenager on PC recommended swimming.  So–Monday and Wednesday during lunch, I am going to try so very hard to make myself go to the rec center and swim.  I doubt it will burn many calories, but more than just sitting here on my ever-growing butt.  I get so anxious and nervous about going.  I get so pissed off at being fat. If I were fat and beautiful, that’s ok. I’m fat and ugly. I was pretty when I was thin.  I know I can’t go back to my anorexic days–that scared me too much. But I would love to fit in my size 10 clothes again.

Yes, if I were rich and had money just laying around saying “spend me, spend me” I would get liposuction on my stomach and thighs.  It’s cheating, I know.  I don’t care.

Is it stupid to get this upset over my weight? Yep.  Don’t care.  I could be wasting my time crying over S or D or M or my everlasting loneliness or how I don’t live upt to anything my mother ever hopes for, how I’m a disappointment, my money situation (I have none) or any number of other things.  Right now I want to try to keep my focus on what goes in my mouth.

This morning I had a breakfast burrito–125 calories.

Someday I will…stop the tears, be happy, be healthy, get in my size 10′s!!!! Someday I will. I’m working on it.

Pretty much says it all.  Dr. A told B a blatant lie regarding this seminar that involves me and she was ticked at me!  Unbelievable that she believed him! So now I get to play travel agent again!  Lucky me! I hate that.  Hate that.  And I am so sore today.  My knees are especially sore.  I can’t seem to catch up because I can’t get undepressed!  Someday I will!

It got the better of me yesterday.  I was doing ok; feeling like I wanted to cry but not able to.  Not bad, though. Then an inconsiderate person posted some rude things in the forums and that just set me off.  He was rude to people who were hurting, saying people were being melodramatic, call the news–someone made a mistake.  That one was addressed to me and it made me so angry, so I went off on him. My lovely temper, usually kept politely in check.  Ahhh, passive-aggressiveness…ain’t it great.  I am an adult–what I should have done is stopped reading and just ignored it.  But I want to right the wrong, fix things–and I get hurt.  Big deal.  I cried all night over that! Over the things he said and over the fact that I was stupid enough to let it get to me.  Then I told S about someone being rude on a forum and he asked what forum, so I told him one for depression and was worried he wouldn’t understand, but he does.   I haven’t heard from M since Saturday when her aunt died.  I’m starting to get worried.  I emailed him a couple times, just would like to hear from him.  Because I’m a loser, that’s why I make poor choices!!!

Let’s see…Let’s start with S.  Nice emails this week.  Real nice.  Thought I screwed up–I posted on Sc–.  He thought it was funny, though.

M–Tuesday he texted me and said “no regrets”.  I was surprised.  And happy.  Thursday night we’re messaging and I asked if he was recovering and he said “recovered. come down here.” AAHH!  We went back and forth–I couldn’t, he wanted me to. Said I could Friday morning, he had to work. He’s actually going to try to go to Boston with me.  I wish S could go, but M will be more relaxing I’m sure.  I wonder if we’ll ever get another to be together. It still amazes me.

This day has been rather long.  It’s 11:00 right now and I’m really close to losing it.  Why do I keep crying???? I don’t get it.  Is it because I want what I don’t have–can’t have?  Am I that shallow? I should have done more around the house today, but I just couldn’t. Like Thursday at work–I couldn’t concentrate at all.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I don’t get it.  I used to be so normal.  Now I cry and am so damn emotional and my self-esteem is in the shitter again and I only feel validated with a male opinion or attention. 

This weekend was awesome.  It wasn’t awkward or anything.  M is right, friends make the best lovers.  I got there early Saturday, we hugged for a minute.  God it was good to see him.  22 years!! Then we sat down and talked, watched football, talked, then he kissed me, and kissed me and kissed me. It was so nice.  It was gentle and demanding at the same time.  Let’s see…then we went out for chinese food and came back and watched the Michigan game.  (bluck!) Had some drinks, watched a movie, made out, looked at pictures, then made love.  He asked if I had regrets, I said no, asked him. He said no, at least not yet.  Watched another movie, went to bed, made love again, and again.  It was amazing.  Woke up, made love.  I want to put it down here but I want to keep it inside, all for me.  I am almost 40 years old and this is only the 5th person I’ve had sex with–and the first one where “I love you” was not said.  It was, wow.  I’ve known him so long.  It felt so good. Maybe it felt so good, not just physically but emotionally because there wasn’t love beyond friendship.  I have always always always thought of sex being so intimately tied to love.  But he wanted me for me.  Didn’t want anything else, just to be with me, to admire my body (my body!!), to give and take pleasure.  Laying in bed, he actually would turn towards me to hold me.  Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been held in bed?? Since I’ve had pleasure like that?  It would be so easy to let my mind go into infatuation.  I have to keep pulling back to the distance of “off-limits”.  I still have no regrets, I just wish I wasn’t crying.  Why am I crying?  Because I don’t have that?  Because I got to experience it?  Because I’m an idiot??

Was yesterday a good or bad day?  I did very well most of the day. Kaity did awesome at the demo.  Her new bo form is great.  I let the girls ride their bikes into BR–9 miles away.  YIKES!!  They were supposed to follow a specific route, so that I new exactly where they would be if something happened.  At about 8:15 it was getting dark and they were supposed to be home at 8:30 anyways, so I got in the van and was going to pick them up so they didn’t have to ride in the dark.  I couldn’t find them and started panicing.  I couldn’t even think what they were wearing in case something happened to t bedhem!  Kait’s phone doesn’t work and Tori had 2 or 3 minutes only, but I called her anyway.  They turned down W— Road instead of going straight to L— Road!! GGGGRRRRR.  I was pissed off!! So of course they got the mom lecture. 

When they got into bed, I came to PC forums and of course was checking SC—, eventually there was a message, then more and more.  He was having a S beat Hanna (hurricane) celebration.  I don’t even know how many messages I got, then he asked for my number and said he’d call.  Yeah, right!  Oh my word, he did call!!!! He, from his house, actually called!!  He was laughing at me for listening to the UM game instead of watching it and said that that was why he needed to be in MI!  AAAAHHHH!!! I don’t even remember how but NY was mentioned and he said something like remember I said I’d try, it’s not guaranteed, etc etc., and it just put a damper on the mood.  Then he said, ‘yes, I’ll still talk to you online.  I called cuz I told you I would.”  I wanted to say I love you, but that wouldn’t have been good, cuz he’d just say something like “I know” or worse and here I go again!!

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH #!#$*#$(!#$!(#$)@!#$!@#$@#$

Today is not the day that I will stop crying.  It’s no good.  I can’t do it.  The scream is at the back of my throat.  I’ve been wondering what the scream is for, why do I want to scream?  At my own stupidity?  At the situation I created from day 1?  At how my life has turned out?  Because I have $32 in my bank account?  Because I’m fat?  Because I’m ugly?  Because I can’t be with S?  All of the above!! 

I’m so out of touch with reality to have hoped that he would leave his life (again) for me.  BUT HE SAID HE LOVES ME, said he was excited we were only a smidge away from being with each other, if only for an hour.  I just want to lay next to him, put my head on his chest, feel his arm around me.   Have to end this because the scream is coming.

I’ve always struggled with depression but gosh it is just getting worse, with manic and anxiety/panic episodes lately.  All the past week I was so depressed but everything was speeded up.  I couldn’t sleep, didn’t even think about sleep until 2:00 at least.  Then I crashed. Two nights ago I slept so hard and could hardly get up. Today I slept on the couch for 1 1/2 hours.  I haven’t done that in a long time.  But I’m not crying today.  He’s bucking up for the coming hurricane so he’s not at work and I doubt if I’ll hear from him again until Monday.  Stop–when I think about that, I get shakey and start breathing shallow and get teary.  He still signs of with x’s and o’s, and even though he wasn’t working today, he still wrote at 7:22 a.m. and when asked if I can still write to him on *** and say goodnight, his response was YES.  Just like that.  I love that he’s actually honest with me now.  That we can talk.  That, even though he knows it will hurt me, he at least tells me that he is confused, etc., instead of stringing me on.  What is it, though, that is the draw?  I have never had self-destructive behaviour, and I don’t see this as self-destructive, I see it as self-presservation for the long run.

Ok, not quite that optomistic, but today is better.  I actually did stop crying yesterday afternoon, but I think that’s because I ran out of tears! Or because S and I talked and in order to have him anywhere in my life, I need to realize that he doesn’t know what he is going to do.  That doesn’t change the fact that I love him.  I’ve tried to change that fact over the years–doesn’t work.  Stop, before the tears come.

Busy day today with work.  Reports, meetings, problems.  Hustle and bustle to keep my mind busy.